8.11.2007   just let me rest

“In the end we shall have had enough of cynicism and skepticism and humbug and we shall want to live more musically”  —van Gogh

I’ve done so little in the past week and would be so happy to continue in this vein for quite awhile. Yesterday I picked up one of Heesun’s Vogue magazines sitting in the living room, a publication I have not looked at in probably 15 years. It seemed a bizarre anthropological documentation of alien life (on a planet that had clearly destroyed its food supply). I was impressed by how vacant the models' expressions were, devoid of emotion or thought. This is our ideal?

snapped from my window at Heesun's. speaks so well to the kids theme of late, as well as the current rant

The first paragraph of an interview announced that the actress subject was relaxing today, but her style of relaxation was not an “I have nothing to do” sort of relaxation but a…you get the idea. Heaven forbid we just be. Because, of course, if you just rest, you will never be anything important because people who are important (better yet, famous) are never so lazy as to rest. It’s shocking to me (it shouldn't be) just how conformist our media is. Especially the trendies in Vogue, etc. Even online, hipsters think they are pushing the envelope—oooh how sexy!—but it's the height of conformity. Anger, a skinny ass, a surly face. This is sexy?

We are busy busy, prepubescently thin, and we do. We are not so weak as to rest or relax. We buy and perpetuate the scientifically-backed myths of our society, though we are cynical, angry and find ourselves superior to them.

whoa. & on a good day.

“In the end we shall have had enough of cynicism and skepticism and humbug and we shall want to live more musically”  —van Gogh

“Ultimately, cynicism is the great mask of the disappointed and betrayed heart.” —bell hooks

This goes for me, too. Why all the resistance and thinking about doing nothing for a bit? Enough. I see far too little media to critique it intelligently, and I plan to keep it that way.

I did pull out my digital SLR in what seems to be the first time in three years. Can you imagine? I know I took a few back snaps of Guka as she stared, forlorn, out the window when she lived at my place, and maybe that was with another camera. I pulled it out at Lide’s and was like, oh hell, what are all these buttons? I’d left the manual in my bag at Heesun’s. We were inside, so I had to use slow sync. Not ideal. I figured it out quickly enough, but I was shocked. I shouldn’t be.

Do I care anymore? What is the photo stuff about for me now? That’s what I’m still trying to figure. I used to obsessively document my life. Now I barely pick up a camera. This has to do with once working professionally, but still, I’m not sure. And so many old projects not completed.

Some I’d hoped to work on this month. But quite frankly, after all I do in the other 11 months of the year, I just want to rest. Projects require a huge amount of organization and energy, and while the calendar looks open, my being wants the time off of everything for now. Call me lazy. Please. I’m off to read. Then to Zach's—with Sherry!

“Ultimately, cynicism is the great mask of the disappointed and betrayed heart.” —bell hooks