8.6.2007   stream of stress

Lucky & tired. Exhausted. The last two weeks were too much. My back hurts. Do people really live like that? Did I live like that? Going at every moment, doing doing absolutely too much? After Mka visited, paper was due, on top of work and teaching. Another paper, emotional goodbyes to Oushi-za and Ms. Lemon (they are leaving indefinitely), and trying all the while to plan august. Then the final paper + letter + virtual poster + postings. And clean & pack apt for DG. And pack bags for August. I got tix west, but not north or east. Tried to get into a vajrapani/spirit rock retreat for the 3rd (waitlisted, didn't get in) and bought expensive, crazy early morning tickets to get there. Tried to arrange with too-good-to-be-true friends (do I deserve them?) when I'd visit (strike their abodes?), but couldn't really, not knowing about the retreat. What a pain in the ass I am.

The light is gorgeous here.

8/1/7: Moved out for DG. Hard to let another into one's home space, no matter how nice and respectable and diligent he is. Love my place, though, and it is nice to share it. Moved stuff into closets and out for the month and in to work, getting everything done for the month off. Stay late. Plan. Finish the last things for class. Back up laptop. Sarai takes me into her gorgeous pad til I leave. Sleep! Oh, sleep—almost 7 whole hours. 8/2/7: I meditate in her rooftop garden. And back to work. Boarding passes. Do I actually have a seat on the flight? I do. Trifle with Mka about august plans. See Dorothy, with suitcase, camera, laptop, and sundries. Then back to Sarai's with my 4 bags and tired self. She fed me delicious quinoa and perrier. We chatted. I was nonsensical with exhaustion. She was working on papers. We chatted more. She worked. I repacked my suitcase. Slept 11:30p—3:40a. 8/3/7: Woke 20 min earlier than planned. Better, no alarm to wake S. All the better. Forgot to adieu Biju. How? How rude. I'm so terrible with goodbyes. Was terrible crank when Oushi-za came in for a final hug, for some imagined reason, no less. Drank some iced green tea, ziplocked soon-to-be missed eli's hearth whole wheat and took off.

Didn't get into the retreat. Good, as I am too tired to sit all day and half the night. Made my way to H&Ts. Didn't know where it was but recalled the address. Cab driver was sweet and found it on his map. "If it's in Oakland, I have it!" and he did. "Fancy" we agreed when we turned into their neighborhood. I'd passed them in the sky hours earlier, as they flew east to visit and rest, leaving me their beautiful home to rest and recover in.

THANK YOU.

8/4/7: It's so pretty here. Is this real? I'm still not sure, it's been 31 hours, & unfortunately I've been awake for many of them. Taking so long to recover. This sort of thing is nothing when you are 20. Or even when you're used to abusing yourself in this way. I am not, which is why I decided to forgo some foreign jaunt and rest up this month. Be fresh for the fall semester. Slept 11p-5a in time-change confusion. Totally out of it today. Still. Body is still stressed and annoyed by its mistreatment. Takes time to let go and relax. A bubble bath shocked and confused me by its sheer pleasure. Can I, dare I, relax? How'd it come to this?? Ahhh. Heesun left me the sweet, old Volvo to gallivant about. It's so fun to drive around the bay again. Haven't driven since last August, have I? Last time I stayed with them in SF, so this Oakland thing is both familiar and new. It's not that far from
Berkeley. Drove a bit yesterday—the area is gorgeous—and today I walked it. And sat outside and read. And napped. &c. Tired. Rented movies ("Yes, I am Heesun and no, I don't have I.D. Yes, certain that I do not have I.D. ") That's how tired I am. Movies. Has it ever come to this before?

Chatted with Lide, who I'd hoped to drive out to see today but no way in this state. Her babe is 8mths now and sprouting teeth. Chatted with Sheherezade (had a cute Paki cab driver called Sherzad Mohammad on my way to Sarai's Thursday night) and made tentative Saturday plans for a Berkeley reunion before I go up to her place in Sonoma. Oh, to have good friends in beautiful places who want you to rest. How'd I get so lucky? Thank you thank you.

It's dark now.

Okay, I'm falling. Happily falling. There's a TV upstairs, but I think I'll pop the DVD in laptop. Don't want to get used to all this modernity.

Kisses,
Anna

written 8/4/2007. posted 8/6/2007. Happy birthday, my Angie!